My interest in this mystery woman made me painfully aware of the gap that existed between me and the outside world. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was but there was something large in between the two. It manifested as a feeling of tentativity and uncertainty.
I felt like i was not a normal person. I had trouble doing very basic things. Walking through a hallway was an incredibly self-conscious challenge for me. I wondered if I was doing it “right.” I forgot how to “human.” *This insecurity mixed with hyper vigilance prevented me from having relationships, or from holding any strong beliefs. I had fulfilled the identity that I always thought my caretakers and my schools wanted of me - to become a blank slate. An empty and suggestible robot. The suffering that I felt in relation to this state was a clear indication to me that it was not a natural or healthy one.
The exercises I had practiced so vigorously had brought me to the core of my being but in terms of how that core related with the outside world, I was at square one. An absolute beginner.
The questions that came up at this time were:
Who am I as an individual person?
What is my place in the world?
What am I meant to do in the world?
I felt like a monk who had emerged from a cave or from years of deep sleep to find myself in a strange and alien world. Am I supposed to fit in and adapt to it or am I supposed to create a world of my own?
I looked at what seemed to be basic rules of this outside world.
1. you have to make money in order to survive.
2. if I can fit in and get along with people they will accept me and help me.
3. Use the skills that you have to accomplish 1. + 2.
It was time to accomplish “worldliness.” Where do I start?